a pUXATONY pHIL eXISTENCE

A Puxatony Phil existence

Second guessing my movements

Afraid of my shadow 

With intrusive thoughts, redirecting the arrow

With childhood influences silently playing

On a loop the memories always displaying

And sending that message

The threat again

Of being shut down

That being a trend

Afraid of it still even though an adult

Second guessing and dwelling 

My heart to a halt

Not showing myself and connecting again

With likeminded people

Who wouldn’t have been

What those thoughts and those people were 

Blocking new friends

Isolating from supporters I may never know

If I hide in a corner; surrender my glow

To keep posting content so someday will bring

A chance for my visions, my real truth to ring

A roof and a life and a happy existence 

I dreamt about since a child in persistence 

But oh no I thought

Am I stealing from others?

Opportunities for views; their breads and their butters?

So I’ll draw that sigil

To inspire confidence

And I’ll keep my chin up

And swing for the fence 

I’ve always been hoping I’d make it come true

The inner child finally showing right through

despite all the hate the dismissive the sad

Projecting it on me so they don’t feel bad

For a moment, temporarily puffing their chest

I picture it deflating while they break their vest

And work their shadow side once and for all

And live in a world where that doesn’t happen at all.

But maybe it happened to them before me.

The icons they looked to, too young to see

The truth of the matter so the cycle pursued

Until they walked or were influenced by/in another one’s shoes. 

And so I’ll keep posting

Despite the battle to hide within

So as to not let the hating games win.